Growing Through Grief: Reflections and Approaches for Grief, Loss, Transition and Change

What is Grief and why am I writing about it?

‘Grief is love persevering’
‘Grief changes shape, but it never ends’ 
‘Grief is the heart’s way of healing what the mind cannot understand’

Grief is an emotional response to loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the devastation of a community or country, divorce, or a personal transformation. It’s unique to each person, and while many associate grief with sadness, it can manifest in anger, guilt, confusion, or even relief. Grief isn’t linear, and it’s not something to ‘get over,’ but instead, grow through.

Through both professional experiences and personal reflections and observations, I’ve come to understand that grief isn’t something we fix, it’s something we learn to live with. This blog is meant to share insights and hopefully offer clarity and compassion for those navigating the complicated experience of grief, or supporting others through it. 

Grief Comes in Many Forms

Grief is complex and can manifest in various ways: 

Normal Grief: The grief we typically expect, often easing with time and support.

Complex Grief: Complicated losses, like the death of an abusive person or a loved one experiencing prolonged illness like dementia, can cause mixed emotions such as guilt, anger, or confusion.

Chronic Grief: When grief lingers for an extended period, it may feel overwhelming and harder to move through.

Other factors influencing different types of grief:

• Gender (e.g. gender role expectations) 

• Attachment style 

• Cultural differences- beliefs/faith, life experience, rituals

No two people experience grief the same way. There is no ’right way’ to grieve. Some may feel stuck in one emotion for a while, while others may find themselves processing and moving forward more quickly. Grief is a process of not only acceptance but also emotional expression and reinvestment in life. 

Have you ever noticed how your siblings or friends react to a stressful event in ways you can’t understand? You might assume they don’t care as much or feel the same way you do but sometimes, when you talk about it, you realize you're both experiencing the same emotions, just expressing them differently. This is common in grief. For example, one person may distract themselves, avoid the pain, or focus on organizing things after a loss, while another might feel consumed by sadness or anger. These differences can be confusing, but they reflect how each of us processes grief in our own way.

The Power of Creative Approaches to Grief

In the work I do, I've seen how creative methods, such as art, storytelling and writing can help people process grief when words alone fall short. Creativity provides an outlet for emotions, offering a sense of control and agency. Activities like drawing or writing give us a way to externalize and better understand our internal world, making grief feel more manageable.

Examples of creative approaches include:

• Grief Swamp: A visual representation of emotions, where the participant places their feelings (anger, guilt, sadness) within an emotional ‘swamp’ they’ve created. It serves as a reminder that the only way out is through, with a symbolic mountain that represents moving forward to a new perspective. The participant also creates their own landscape for the swamp and mountain to help understand and express how their current environment and life looks and feels to them. This activity can lead to acknowledgement of steps forward, it can help with recognising when we are still stuck and It can serve as a reminder of where we are wanting to head. 

• Any writing or imagery representing the experience of grief that can be reflected on and expressed as a way to help with building our understanding of our grief. Therapists can offer prompts and strategies throughout to help with awareness, reflection, and ways to stay safe in this process. For example, writing letters (not to be received), throwing clay at writing when there is undealt with anger to be expressed.

• Memory Jar: A jar filled with different coloured sand representing memories or aspects of the person or thing that is no longer in one’s life. This tangible object helps process grief by focusing on what is missed or feared to be forgotten. The process of crushing the sand with pastel allows time to reflect on which colours represent which parts of the person, giving the person permission to reflect on this person in a contained and safe space. 
  
  

The Journey of Growth Around Grief

After navigating the emotional swamp and climbing the mountain, we face various challenges. Grief, in its many forms (heartbreak, death, broken trust), asks us to be brave. It takes courage to love fully, knowing that love can be fleeting and everything in life is temporary. It requires vulnerability to accept that nothing is permanent, and ultimately, we must learn to let go.

The process of growing around grief is not linear; it’s filled with moments of strength, vulnerability, setbacks, and breakthroughs. As we move forward, we come to realize that grief doesn’t define us, it reshapes us, teaching us to hold love and loss together in a new way.

The Oscillation Model of grief helps us understand this movement. It teaches us not to feel guilty when we move forward or find moments of peace, and it encourages us to stay aware when we feel stuck in the heaviness of grief. It's important to allow ourselves to oscillate between the pain of loss and the ability to reinvest in life, moving with the ebb and flow of grief rather than resisting it. Just as the tides move in and out, grief can shift, and by embracing both the moments of pain and growth, we begin to move forward.

Life Growing Around Grief

‘Growing Around Grief (Lois Tonkin, 1996)

Creative Approaches for Children

Children experience grief differently from adults. Since they may not have the language to express their feelings, creative approaches such as storytelling provide a safe outlet. 

One example is using a story about a family of bears, where the ‘daddy bear’ becomes very sick or dies. Through the lens of animals, children can explore complex feelings such as fear, confusion, anger, or sadness. They can be guided to make decisions for the bear family without it feeling too confronting, which in turn helps them process what’s happening in their own lives.

Another helpful story is ’The Invisible Dragon’ by Tom Percival. In this story, a child has an invisible dragon that starts small, but grows bigger and more chaotic the more it’s ignored. It becomes unmanageable, burning things down and causing havoc, until the child finally acknowledges it. As the child starts talking about it and receiving support, the dragon slowly shrinks. This metaphor mirrors what happens when children bottle up grief or difficult emotions, those feelings can grow bigger and more overwhelming unless they’re addressed and expressed.

When supporting grieving children, it’s important to:

• Validate their emotions 

• Model healthy expressions of your own feelings 

• Reassure them that grief takes time, and their feelings might come and go.

• Let them lead the pace- sometimes they’ll want to talk, other times just play.

Creative approaches don’t just offer distraction, they offer children a language of their own for grief, one that helps them understand, express, and begin to heal.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Grief

I find Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to be a helpful model for grief. Rather than struggling against painful emotions, ACT encourages acceptance of grief while committing to actions aligned with one’s values. A creative exercise in ACT might involve identifying values that are important, like play or connection, and finding ways to nurture them despite the grief. For example, if someone can no longer physically play with their grandchildren due to pain, they might reflect on ways to stay playful in life despite physical limitations.

Creative Approaches in Narrative Therapy for Grief

Narrative therapy allows individuals to reshape their relationship with grief by reframing their story. This process can involve drawing, writing or creating a collage to externalize grief, making it easier to understand and navigate. Through this method, people gain the ability to rewrite their grief story, regaining some control over how they experience loss and moving forward with a sense of purpose. 

When reflecting on your memories and the ‘story’ of someone, it is important to acknowledge the full complexity of the relationship with the lost person or thing, without idealizing or glorifying them. It’s important to reflect on what you truly miss, but also to consider any unresolved or undealt with emotions, such as things that annoyed you or moments of conflict. By embracing all feelings, both positive and negative, we can move forward with a more balanced and realistic perspective. This shift in narrative can empower people to let go of unrealistic expectations or guilt, creating space for growth and acceptance.

Embracing Grief as Part of all of our Lives

Grief is part of life’s natural ebb and flow. Grief isn’t something to be fixed, but something to grow through. In this process, we learn to reinvest in life, even as we carry the loss with us. 

I personally love the saying that ‘grief is love persevering.’ It is both beautiful and painful. It is proof of the depth of our connection. It is there because something was special enough to be missed and mourned. It’s an ongoing journey, and through compassion, understanding, and creativity, we can move through the pain of it and live with the learnings from it, one step at a time.

Ellen Tatchley 

Clinical Counselor and Art Therapist

Ellen is offering an 8 week grief and loss intervention program using Creative Art Therapy activities where you choose your own start date.

• Any ages, weekly sessions, focused on the themes and approaches discussed in this blog. 

• Please get in touch via enquiries@growandengage.com.au or ellen@growandengage.com.au 

Helpful training for practitioners interested in Grief and loss, creative approaches in therapy, or Interpersonal psychology: Anthony Hillen.